I must admit that I was not a perfect friend to them. There were times that "I'm always here for you" was not put into practice. I was selfish in a way. I wanted them to understand me without me thinking that they might have also wanted me to understand them. But I guess it's too late.
We were very good friends during high school days.We spent most of our vacant time together. We shared a lot - material resources, books, assignments, answers to exams, papers, ball pens, clothes, bags, food, joy, sorrow, pain, sadness, happiness, tears, laughter... We shared memories. I loved being with them. Every moment we spent together was treasured. I had a very few friends in high school. I grew up having people's eyes on me. I spent my high school years having people who didn't want to approach me simply because they thought I was "Valerie Go". But I had them. Aside from my best friend of course, I knew I had them. And I was thankful for that.
We went to college, and a lot has changed. During the first few days,weeks,and months of our college life, I would always visit Bro in her dormitory. I knew that we were all adjusting to the new environment we were in, but because Bro was the youngest among us, I wanted to stay with her to help her adjust. She made new friends, a lot of new friends. It was good, knowing that she had this certain character that most of our high school classmates did not understand. I was very happy to see her make a lot of good friends. Tol, on the other hand went to a different university. We still kept in touch, there were moments we, or I alone visited her in her school. For one semester, i lived in a dormitory near Tol's boarding house. During those times, I would always visit her in her boarding house, and just like high school days, we would share stories and thoughts (feeling excited and giddy in sharing all "new" things happening to us).
After a year, we became busier. I started having a job in the library as a student assistant where I spent most of my vacant time. After a few months I started working as a personal tutor to Korean students, which took much of my time, not just my vacant time in school, but most of my free time. We became busier, well, i became really busy to the point that I didn't have time to hang out with them, and worse, event o say Hi to them. Slowly, I didn't notice that I was loosing them. I did not notice that I had been spending so much time for my work, and studies, all the papers, exams, performances that school required, and all the assignments, lessons, projects that my work required. I was loosing them.
One time, one of my students read my horoscope to me (written in their Korean newspaper). She told me that I would be invited out by a friend whom I had not seen for a long time. I never believed in horoscopes (ironic because I am half-Chinese). I just smiled and did not really thought of what the horoscope said. Then when I got home, I charged the battery of my cellphone, and when i turned it on, I found out that Bro sent me a message inviting me to lunch the following day. I was so excited and happy to receive that message. After that I thought of my Horoscope. Funny, but it came true.
The following day, I had a very bad day. I had to start from scratch one of the papers I had to pass for my research class. I spent almost the whole day in the library looking for materials, and doing the said paper. It was almost lunch time when I realized that I had a lunch date. I felt like I wouldn't be able to finish my paper if I would eat lunch. So I just texted her that I couldn't come. I sent my apologies but I din't get any reply. I didn't think about it that much that time because I thought it was just a simple "tampururot". But it wasn't. I wanted to explain my side but, as always, "I didn't have the time".
The three of us met again one time in an event for the UAAP hurdles competition (or something like that). One of the varsity players of UST was Tol's "prospect". I didn't know about it, I didn't know about him. But then, we watched the event. There was an awkward feeling, something that maybe I created, or something that maybe WE created, or the situation created? I don't know. The feeling was just so awkward. i didn't feel comfortable with them anymore. I wanted to give them a hug and tell them how much I missed them, but it felt awkward for me to do that. I had to go to work that afternoon so I wasn't able to spend much time with them. They told me not to go, "minsanlangnaman 'to". But I thought, I really needed money. I couldn't afford to be absent for one day because I would loose a lot. That's one thing I had always wanted them to understand, that I was different. My situation was different. Unlike them, I didn't have the luxury of time to spend hanging out with friends. Unlike them, I had to spend time to work, just to support my studies. There are things that I HAD to do, that they didn't.
It was almost graduation, I had my final defense for my thesis. That night, I had the chance to chat with Bro (through YM), and ask her out for lunch the following day. Jokingly, she told me just to text her because I might not show up again. So I did. When I woke up the following day, I immediately sent her a message telling her what time I would be able to arrive to school (I lived in Makati that time, about an hour away from UP). I got no reply. I came to school and texted her again, but still no reply. It was almost 1pm, so I decided to just attend the thesis defense of my friend. I was still bothered because I knew something was wrong. I asked Tol if Bro had a new number but she said no. I asked her to send me her number (because I realized that I was using a different phone, and her number in my sim might be different from her number in my old phone). And yes! I got the number. (I got no reply because I was textin the wrong number!) I immediately texted Bro and explained to her what happened. But I only got the message "excuses". I had to leave to work that time. I kept on telling her I was sorry but I didn't get any reply anymore.
I saw her again after a few weeks, and I said sorry. But she just ignored me and told me she was busy. I almost cried and I felt that tears were about to burst out so I decided to leave and let her go. After that we never saw each other again, up until now.
As to Tol, we really didn't have anything that we fought about, or anything, like what Bro and I had. But then, that's it. We didn;t have anything. We simply lost our communication. She told me that I never texted her even just to say hi. I was guilty.
I wanted them to understand that I didn't have so much time to spend with them because I was busy at my work. I wanted them to understand that I had to work.
But my best friend made me realize that they also needed me. That they also wanted me to understand that they needed me as a friend. They wanted me to understand that they had always wanted to spend time with me but "I was busy" and "I didn't have the time". Maybe I felt that they did not understand me, but maybe they did, they just got tired of doing so.
Until now, we haven't really talked about us. We haven't really discussed things. I don't know if it would still happen, but I hope it would.
We have our own lives now. They're still friends; they still hang out with each other. I am happy for them. I get updates from other friends, or from their facebook accounts. I still miss them. It's just so sad that this has to happen.
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