Fate

"I don't want to entertain my feelings for you. But it's just so difficult to do."

All the questions I have been asking myself, and I have been wanting to ask him. All the doubts I have, all the worries, all the pain and sadness. These lines started the end of it. Finally....

Finally I had the courage to tell him everything I wanted to say. Finally, I was able to release all the pains I had been keeping for so long. It was still painful,indeed. In fact, it was more painful than I though it would be.

Our story is simply complicated.. Family matters, trust issues, status (me as a teacher,and he as my student). It's been a year when we first met. He was just one of my students then. Just one of my students. Nothing special. He was not even part of my class at first. He was enrolled in my class but because he was an irregular student, he attended classes that fit his schedule. He attended another class of the same subject so I asked him to have his name transfered in that class. But instead, he chose to attend my class. Okay,no big deal.

He was a good student. He seldom made absences. He often participated in discussions. He was good in English, I must say better than most of his classmates. He was smart. Okay. Still, no big deal.

Before the semester ended, we became friends. Started exchanging text messages. Got to know each other better. He was different compared to those guys who had tried to be my friend. He never asked about my love life, never asked about me having no boyfriend, never asked anything about romantic relationships. That was good. And I liked it.  He was different. He was sweet. He was platonic. And I liked it.

Then months went by. I received messages from him everyday, checking if I was okay. Asking what I was doing. Sharing stories. Listening to my stories. Got to know each other more and more. And I liked it.

December. We attended around three midnight masses together. Spent time with God together. He was religious. He had a strong faith. And I liked it.

January. My birthday. His birthday. We were happy. He broke up with his girl. The first time I learned that he had one. I never knew, he never told me, I never asked. Okay,they broke up. No big deal. We continued exchanging messages. Sending and receiving sweet messages.Listening to each other's stories of happiness, depression, fears, angers, sadness, confusions. Comforting each other. Sharing happy moments. I liked it. I started to like him.

February. My friend's father's death. One of my crying moments. Tito was like a father to me. I grieved. I cried. I mourned. He offered his shoulders to cry on. I cried on his shoulders. He comforted me with happy thoughts, encouraging messages, jokes, happy stories, stories of hope, and a hug. A tight hug. And another hug. It felt good. I liked him more.

It was the first time he told me he loved me. It felt good. I felt loved. I thought that was it. He loved me. And I thought I loved him,too.

I continuoulsy received messages of love from him. He continuous;y showed me and made me feel he loved me. It felt good. I loved him,too.

But we just couldn't be together. He was my student. Society says it's forbidden. We didn't care at first. But we thought, we should care. So,we couldn't be together,formally. So he had to finish his studies first. We had plans of taking our Master's degree together. We had plans, he would graduate first, then we could be together. And no matter what happens, our sweet friendship would always be there. I thought.

Summer came. Messages from him became seldom. He was busy, I thought. Okay. It was a big deal. But I had to feel okay. Focus on my work. Teach. Forget about the doubts.

June. My friend told me that he was courting someone else. I was hurt,badly. Okay. It was a big deal. but I had to feel okay. Focus on my work. Teach. Forget about the pain. Forget about him.

August. I started receiving sweet messages from him again. And an " I love you" which,this time,didn't make me feel giddy. Instead, it made me think. And ask, "do you really love me?" Of course it was a yes. He said the feelings didn't fade. Though,yes,he had another girl. Okay. Tried not to make it a big deal. Focus on my new work. Teach. Manage an office. Forget about the questions.

I became busy wih my new job. So busy that I didn't have time to think about the doubts, about the pain, about the questions, about him. Still, he sent me sweet messages. Messages of love. We still shared stories. Not as often as before, but we still did. Yet, I decided to forget him,and everything we had. It was difficult. I didn't like it.

November. After several weeks of working on the faculty loading, one new subject was handed down to me. New subject, old faces. He was one of those. Old face. A face I wanted to get rid of. A face I wanted to stay away from. A face I wanted to forget. But there we were. Three times a week. I had no choice but to see him three times a week. He was again my student. I didn't like it. Or maybe, I did.

December. One sweet message and I took the guts to ask. "Should I still believe in what you say?". The answer, "Why not?". "Nothing, I just have so many thoughts. I want to tell you personally." "Okay,tell me when." The end of my courage. I hated it.

Few days after Christmas. A little greetings started it. And came to the question, "What's wrong? Just tell me straight. Don't keep it."

"I don't want to entertain my feelings for you. But it's just so difficult to do. Coz I don't know if I can still trust you. And I don't know if it's still worth it."

I explained. My mom and his lolo and tita had an issue. My mom was hurt. She was hurt badly. I was hurt,too. I understand his Tita. But even if I don't want to have any biases, the fact that it's about my mom, I already have a bias. I understand his Tita, but I understand my Mom, too. She was hurt. She was hurt badly. I was hurt,too. Family issues. Issues that even if we were not directly involved, "Malas lang namin". We were so unfortunate that we couldn't stay away from the issue. Sad. I hated it.

Another explanation. I had doubts about his love. He was not consistent. I let him know how I had been feeling. All the doubts, all the questions, all the pains. I let him know.

He just apologized, admitting his mistakes, telling me he was sorry, he was stupid. Apology accepted. But we just couldn't stay away from our family issues. My mom didn't like him simply because he's part of the family who belittled her, degraded her, caused her pain. He apologized, apology accepted. But it cannot change the fact that my mom still, if possible, doesn't want to get involved in any way to their family. It was sad. It was painful.

We decided to forget about our feelings. I love him, he knows that. But it's just complicated. We can still be friends, though. I'm still his teacher. We will still see each other three times a week. We can still share stories. We can still give comfort to each other. We can still be friends. But it is difficult. it's painful. But we have to.

January. My birthday. He greeted me with love. And that, I think, would be the last. For now.

"We're still young. Who knows, in the future, when everything's okay, we can be together."

It made me smile.

For now, come what may. It's still painful. It's still difficult. But I can handle it. ^_^