NOSTALGIA

I miss them a lot. It's not just about missing them because we haven't seen or talked to each other for a while. It's also about, (and is more about) missing them because I know that right now, there's a very little possibility of us hanging out together again. I just miss talking to them, laughing with them, sharing thoughts with them. I miss them.

I must admit that I was not a perfect friend to them. There were times that "I'm always here for you" was not put into practice. I was selfish in a way. I wanted them to understand me without me thinking that they might have also wanted me to understand them. But I guess it's too late.

We were very good friends during high school days.We spent most of our vacant time together. We shared a lot - material resources, books, assignments, answers to exams, papers, ball pens, clothes, bags, food, joy, sorrow, pain, sadness, happiness, tears, laughter... We shared memories. I loved being with them. Every moment we spent together was treasured. I had a very few friends in high school. I grew up having people's eyes on me. I spent my high school years having people who didn't want to approach me simply because they thought I was "Valerie Go". But I had them. Aside from my best friend of course, I knew I had them. And I was thankful for that.

We went to college, and a lot has changed. During the first few days,weeks,and months of our college life, I would always visit Bro in her dormitory. I knew that we were all adjusting to the new environment we were in, but because Bro was the youngest among us, I wanted to stay with her to help her adjust. She made new friends, a lot of new friends. It was good, knowing that she had this certain character that most of our high school classmates did not understand. I was very happy to see her make a lot of good friends. Tol, on the other hand went to a different university. We still kept in touch, there were moments we, or I alone visited her in her school. For one semester, i lived in a dormitory near Tol's boarding house. During those times, I would always visit her in her boarding house, and just like high school days, we would share stories and thoughts (feeling excited and giddy in sharing all "new" things happening to us). 

After a year, we became busier. I started having a job in the library as a student assistant where I spent most of my vacant time. After a few months I started working as a personal tutor to Korean students, which took much of my time, not just my vacant time in school, but most of my free time.  We became busier, well, i became really busy to the point that I didn't have time to hang out with them, and worse, event o say Hi to them. Slowly, I didn't notice that I was loosing them. I did not notice that I had been spending so much time for my work, and studies, all the papers, exams, performances that school required, and all the assignments, lessons, projects that my work required. I was loosing them. 

One time, one of my students read my horoscope to me (written in their Korean newspaper). She told me that I would be invited out by a friend whom I had not seen for a long time. I never believed in horoscopes (ironic because I am half-Chinese). I just smiled and did not really thought of what the horoscope said. Then when I got home, I charged the battery of my cellphone, and when i turned it on, I found out that Bro sent me a message inviting me to lunch the following day. I was so excited and happy to receive that message. After that I thought of my Horoscope. Funny, but it came true. 

The following day, I had a very bad day. I had to start from scratch one of the papers I had to pass for my research class. I spent almost the whole day in the library looking for materials, and doing the said paper. It was almost lunch time when I realized that I had a lunch date. I felt like I wouldn't be able to finish my paper if I would eat lunch. So I just texted her that I couldn't come. I sent my apologies but I din't get any reply. I didn't think about it that much that time because I thought it was just a simple "tampururot". But it wasn't. I wanted to explain my side but, as always, "I didn't have the time".

The three of us met again one time in an event for the UAAP hurdles competition (or something like that). One of the varsity players of UST was Tol's "prospect". I didn't know about it, I didn't know about him. But then, we watched the event. There was an awkward feeling, something that maybe I created, or something that maybe WE created, or the situation created? I don't know. The feeling was just so awkward. i didn't feel comfortable with them anymore. I wanted to give them a hug and tell them how much I missed them, but it felt awkward for me to do that. I had to go to work that afternoon so I wasn't able to spend much time with them. They told me not to go, "minsanlangnaman 'to". But I thought, I really needed money. I couldn't afford to be absent for one day because I would loose a lot.  That's one thing I had always wanted them to understand, that I was different. My situation was different. Unlike them, I didn't have the luxury of time to spend hanging out with friends. Unlike them, I had to spend time to work, just to support my studies. There are things that I HAD to do, that they didn't.

It was almost graduation, I had my final defense for my thesis. That night, I had the chance to chat with Bro (through YM), and ask her out for lunch the following day. Jokingly, she told me just to text her because I might not show up again. So I did. When I woke up the following day, I immediately sent her a message telling her what time I would be able to arrive to school (I lived in Makati that time, about an hour away from UP). I got no reply. I came to school and texted her again, but still no reply. It was almost 1pm, so I decided to just attend the thesis defense of my friend. I was still bothered because I knew something was wrong. I asked Tol if Bro had a new number but she said no. I asked her to send me her number (because I realized that I was using a different phone, and her number in my sim might be different from her number in my old phone). And yes! I got the number. (I got no reply because I was textin the wrong number!) I immediately texted Bro and explained to her what happened. But I only got the message "excuses". I had to leave to work that time. I kept on telling her I was sorry but I didn't get any reply anymore. 

I saw her again after a few weeks, and I said sorry. But she just ignored me and told me she was busy. I almost cried and I felt that tears were about to burst out so I decided to leave and let her go. After that we never saw each other again, up until now.

As to Tol, we really didn't have anything that we fought about, or anything, like what Bro and I had. But then, that's it. We didn;t have anything. We simply lost our communication. She told me that I never texted her even just to say hi. I was guilty.

I wanted them to understand that I didn't have so much time to spend with them because I was busy at my work. I wanted them to understand that I had to work. 

But my best friend made me realize that they also needed me. That they also wanted  me to understand that they needed me as a friend. They wanted me to understand that they had always wanted to spend time with me but "I was busy" and "I didn't have the time". Maybe I felt that they did not understand me, but maybe they did, they just got tired of doing so. 

  

Until now, we haven't really talked about us. We haven't really discussed things. I don't know if it would still happen, but I hope it would. 

We have our own lives now. They're still friends; they still hang out with each other. I am happy for them. I get updates from other friends, or from their facebook accounts. I still miss them. It's just so sad that this has to happen.

I'm Also not an Environmentalist but....

I am reposting this note written by a good friend. I know exactly what he feels coz just like him, I am also not an environmentalist but I know how to give at least a little concern for the environment. It saddens me (at the same time annoys me) that these students do not know how to care about their environment. What bothers me more are their selfish ideologies and principles in life. This is not just a simple issue of "throwing your own trash" neither is it just an issue of caring for the environment. i believe that this is also an issue of how the youth of this generation think. If these students are saying that it is not their responsibility to throw their trash because they are not janitors, then something is wrong with their thinking. I believe that we should do something about this matter.

I'm not an Environmentalist but.....

by Julius Tolentino on Friday, January 28, 2011 at 9:52pm

"I need to contain my Anger coz some people cannot contain their stupidity"

This particular post caught my attention one windy afternoon while i was browsing my FB account, and immediately, i realized that this is the perfect quote to summarize what i feel towards the impossible situation of UNDISCIPLINED and IRRESPONSIBLE students who leave their trash on the tables on the MINI FOREST or the bleachers of JOSON gymnasium...... 

Everyday, i pass by the Mini forest bcoz my classroom is located at the edge of the earth (it's so far that some students graduate without even seeing the said room) and what i see everyday is the plastic cups and junk food wrappers scattered about on top of the tables (which automatically ruins my day = trouble for my students).

What irks me more is the fact that the trash bins (which comes in a screaming and HIGHLY RECOGNIZABLE color of RED bearing the name of the University complete with LOGO are CONVENIENTLY located near these said tables and bleachers... But unfortunately SOME students are too lazy to stand and throw their trash in these said bins OR THEY SIMPLY HAVEN'T SEEN OR HEARD OF A TRASH BIN BEFORE (the latter being more likely)......

And don't get me started on the SCHOOL CANTEEN, i mean how UNCIVILIZED can you get?! I'm not bragging (oh, wait, maybe I am) but back in my college days, in the University from which i came from (My heart is Green by the way), students have the decency to place their used plates and other utensils into the specified areas designated in the canteen, to think that this school has been stereotyped as for RICH kids only (which by the way is TOTALLY NOT TRUE).

But what really blew my fuse was a comment that i heard from a STUDENT, which goes something along the lines of "Bakit ako maglilinis, janitor ba ako?". That line right there really PISSED me off that i had to drink my favorite MILO (shameless promotion) to calm down. I wanted to scream right there and then if not for the other students who were with me at that time.....

My point? Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that the students (I'm not saying all) are forgetting that we are in a GOVERNMENT University, meaning, we cannot afford the luxury of other PRIVATE UNIVERSITIES (e.g Janitors for each room) that is why we, YES, WE all need to do our part in maintaining what our University provides for us.. and the simplest way we can help is by keeping the University Clean, (which isn't so hard to do if you think about it, though some people, in my opinion don't really use the thing between their ears; protected by their skulls.)

What i really wanna say is that, what's happening here is a classic case of "ALL PEOPLE WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN BUT NOBODY WANTS TO DIE" syndrome, where in, people keep yapping about this and that but nobody wants to move or take action.....

So next time, before you start complaining, ask yourself if you have done something to resolve that particular problem......

(Ohhhhh, a flying cow!!)

*Stops typing and chases the flying cow*

A Good Read. =)

An e-mail I received from a friend on the time I thought I needed it most. 

Father John Powell, a professor at Loyola University in Chicago, writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:

"Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith.

That was the day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn't what's on your head but what's in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped.. I
immediately filed Tommy under 'S' for strange... Very strange.

Tommy turned out to be the 'atheist in residence' in my Theology of Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about the possibility of an
unconditionally loving Father/God. We lived with each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew.

When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a cynical tone, 'Do you think I'll ever find God?'

I decided instantly on a little shock therapy. 'No!' I said very emphatically.

'Why not,' he responded, 'I thought that was the product you were pushing.'

I let him get five steps from the classroom door and then called out, 'Tommy! I don't think you'll ever find Him, but I am absolutely certain that He will find you!' He shrugged a little and left my class and my life.

I felt slightly disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line -- He will find you! At least I thought it was clever.  Later I heard that Tommy had graduated, and I was duly grateful.

Then a sad report came. I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me.  When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe. 

'Tommy, I've thought about you so often; I hear you are sick,' I blurted out.

'Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It's a matter of weeks...'

'Can you talk about it, Tom?' I asked.

'Sure, what would you like to know?' he replied.

'What's it like to be only twenty-four and dying?

'Well, it could be worse.

'Like what?

'Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real biggies in life..

I began to look through my mental file cabinet under 'S' where I had filed Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification, God sends back into my life to educate me.)

'But what I really came to see you about,' Tom said, 'is something you said to me on the last day of class.' (He remembered!) He continued, 'I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, 'No!' which surprised me. Then you said, 'But He will find you.' I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time.

(My clever line. He thought about that a lot!)

'But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, that's when I got serious about locating God.. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven.. But God did not come out. In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try anything for a long time with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit.

'Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit. I decided that I didn't really care about God, about an afterlife, or anything like
that. I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more profitable. I thought about you and your class and I remembered something else you had said: 'The essential sadness is to go through life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to go through life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them.''

'So, I began with the hardest one, my Dad.. He was reading the newspaper when I approached him.. 'Dad.

'Yes, what?' he asked without lowering the newspaper.

'Dad, I would like to talk with you.'

'Well, talk.

'I mean . It's really important.'

The newspaper came down three slow inches. 'What is it?'

'Dad, I love you, I just wanted you to know that.' Tom smiled at me and said it with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him.  'The newspaper fluttered to the floor. Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before. He cried and he hugged me. We talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me..'

'It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me, too, and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other. We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years.

'I was only sorry about one thing --- that I had waited so long. Here I was, just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to.

'Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn't come to me when I pleaded with Him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, 'C'mon, jump through.  C'mon, I'll give you three days, three weeks.''

'Apparently God does things in His own way and at His own hour. But the important thing is that He was there. He found me! You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for Him.'

'Tommy,' I practically gasped, 'I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make Him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love. You know, the Apostle John said that. He said: 'God is love, and anyone who lives in
love is living with God and God is living in him.' Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me? If I told them the same thing it would not be half as effective as if you were to tell it.

'Oooh.. I was ready for you, but I don't know if I'm ready for your class.'

'Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call.'

In a few days Tom called, said he was ready for the class, that he wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date.

However, he never made it. He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class. Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed.  He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a
life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.

Before he died, we talked one last time.

'I'm not going to make it to your class,' he said.

'I know, Tom.'

'Will you tell them for me? Will you tell the whole world for me?'

I will, Tom. I'll tell them. I'll do my best.'

So, to all of you who have been kind enough to read this simple story about God's love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy, somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven --- I told them, Tommy, as best I could.

Why in BSU?

Just some of the reasons  =)

“Living A Heroic Life” by Gabriela M. Francisco. Summa Cum Laude 2008

My fellow Filipinos:

We tread on hallowed ground. We walk in the company of heroes. Within these same corridors and classrooms that have seen better days, we cram for tests, eat fishballs and tapsilog from Rodic’s, grab a few minutes of much needed sleep. However, we are not alone. Hush a while. Listen. Can’t you feel the lingering presence of martyrs and student activists, the intangible yet undeniable left-over vestiges of genius, youthful idealism and passionate patriotism? Past presidents of the country and National Artists who have since passed away – heroes all, in their own right – are with us still.

One national hero who strikes me as being very U.P. is Apolinario Mabini. I’m pretty sure that had U.P. been in existence back then, he would have been one of the first students or professors lecturing here, living up to his title of being “The Brains of the Revolution.”

The Ateneo had Jose Rizal, and had he lived today, we can picture him sitting in a Starbucks café, surrounded by piles of books and typing away furiously at a laptop. Antonio Luna would have fit right in with the future generals at the PMA. It takes little effort to imagine him dressed in fatigues, huffing and puffing as he jogged up an uphill path in the City of Pines. But Apolinario Mabini is purely U.P. Born to a poor family who could barely make both ends meet, this man has been described by Arthur MacArthur as “a highly educated young man who, unfortunately, is paralyzed. He has a classical education, a very flexible, imaginative mind… He is a dreamy man, but has a very firm character and of very high accomplishments. He would undoubtedly be of great use in the future of those islands.”

Apolinario Mabini wrote in his Decalogue:

            “Thou shalt love thy country after God and thy honor and more than thyself: for she is the only Paradise which God has given thee in this life, the only patrimony of thy race, the only inheritance of thy ancestors and the only hope of thy posterity.”

            He goes on to say:

            “Thou shalt strive for the happiness of thy country before thy own, making of her the kingdom of reason, of justice and of labor: for if she be happy, thou, together with thy family, shalt likewise be happy.”

I choose to share Mabini’s words because I feel that this is what UP graduates need to hear. Written over a century ago, his words still ring true today.

From the very first, beginning with the orientation given us as freshmen and expounded upon in our G.E. classes, our egos have been nourished with sayings such as “We are the best of the best, the crème de la crème.” But always, always, accompanied by the reminder to whom we owe our education: to our country and to our people. I imagine that this held true even a century ago, that professors have unceasingly preached this heady blend of flattery and reminder from the first time UP opened its gates to the best and the brightest of Filipino students.

In generations past, it was relatively easier to pick a side. Nationwide issues weren’t as muddied up as they are now, with hundreds of shades of grey to choose from and no longer simply in black and white. It is no wonder that many students are confused when they come here fresh from the province or that conservative high school, only to find themselves in a melting pot of diverse beliefs and dogmas, with each group having its defenders and detractors, forcing them to CHOOSE! And they must choose a side quickly or remain a fence-sitter, a bystander at the fringes of unfolding history.

A lot of us have experienced the pressure to join rallies and boycott classes, or risk being called “indifferent” and “apathetic.” But such censure is neither fair nor complete if in sticking to one’s studies, by faithfully going to class and attending lectures, by fulfilling the mission given to oneself in the meantime, one always keeps in mind that time spent away from one’s studies is the money of one’s less fortunate countrymen gone to waste.

Showing one’s patriotism isn’t limited to the rallying, the battle cries and the marching on the streets. There is a patriotism of a quieter sort, the patriotism I see in my less fortunate classmates who skip meals just so they can have enough fare money to come to class. There is the patriotism of the athlete from the College of Human Kinetics, who comes to training barefooted, not having enough money to purchase a new pair of shoes, so he can do a good job representing the country in a competition abroad. There is patriotism and courage in hundreds of such UP students who fully appreciate the gift they’ve been given and value their education such that they will not let horrendous traffic, nor floods brought about by typhoons, nor incredible distances, nor any lack of resources to prevent them from coming to school. Such dedication and commitment in the face of adversity cannot be called anything else but “heroic.” This is the heroic patriotism demonstrated by the UP isko in courageously going to school, despite any and all the hardships, garnering excellent marks and graduating at the top of one’s class. But patriotism doesn’t end there. Rather, the true test is how we live our lives AFTER we leave the UP.

            One need not look hard nor far for examples of everyday heroism. I see it in our professors, who have forsaken better-paying jobs in order to remain at the UP, mentoring the brightest minds and the brightest beacons of hope for the country. I see it in the brilliant UP grad who goes abroad for higher studies, is given the chance to exchange her visa for a green card, but gives it up to return home so she can spend her most productive years giving back to the country and the people to whom she owes her education. I see it in our parents, who sacrifice greatly so they can pay for the cost of our plates and extra lab fees, sometimes to the point of giving up their dreams so we can have a chance at achieving ours.

In a few minutes, we will be known as UP graduates. We do not have the luxury to choose whether or not to stay in the country, and get paid in paltry pesos when we can be paid the full value of our worth abroad. That choice has already been made for us, and paid for by the blood of our forefathers and the sweat and toil of past generations. From the beginning, our time, and even our very lives, do not belong solely to us. The Filipino people have paid, and paid dearly so we could be educated at the premiere state university. Isn’t it only just that we UP graduates be prepared to do our people the same honor they have shown us?

Like Mabini, others might consider UP graduates paralyzed by circumstance, forced to submit to the tyranny of materialism and the call to migrate abroad in order to have a “better life.”

But, like Mabini, I pray that we learn to rise above the constrictions of fortune, that we do not let the hindrances of our present circumstances dictate the outcome of our future. I pray that, as we leave college and strike out on our own, reaching for our dreams, we do not forget to place our dreams in the setting of home and hearth.

I urge you, fellow graduates and fellow Filipinos, to make this solemn pledge with me to uphold the core values of excellence, leadership and service that UP has instilled in us. Make the commitment, the one I’m swearing to right now, to offer your country and your people, your all… for your country and your people deserve nothing less.

May we all lead heroic lives worthy of the title “Iskolar ng Bayan” conferred on us, and worthy of the name “Filipino.”
Mabuhay ka, Iskolar ng Bayan… Mabuhay ang pag-asa ng bayan!

            A pleasant evening to all.

Comfort Women

This was one of the papers I submitted for my Fil50 (Panitikan ng Pilipinas) class when I was in 4th year college. After reading it again, I suddenly remembered the time we were with Lola Regina, and now I wonder where she is. =(



Si Lola Regina

            Madami na akong napag-aralan tungkol sa mga “comfort women” mula sa iba’t ibang aklat ng kasaysayan mula pa noong bata ako. Masasabi kong maswerte ako dahil bata pa lamang ako, kahit hindi pa man naming pinag-aaralan sa paaralan ang tungkol sa mga nangyari noong Ikalawang Digmaang Pandaigdig, ay marami rami na akong alam tungkol sa mga pangyayari noong panahong iyon. Sundalo noon ang aking lolo at isa siya sa mga Pilipinong sundalong nakipaglaban noong panahon ng Hapon. Madalas niya kaming kwentuhan ng kanyang mga karanasan sa giyera. Kaya naman kahit ito ang unang pagkakataon kong makapanayam si Lola Regina, na naging ‘comfort woman” noong panahon ng hapon, ay hindi na din bago para sa akin ang mga naikwento niya sa amin. Bukod sa mga kwento ng aking lolo ay mayroon na din akong nabasang mga aklat na nagkwekwento ng buhay ng mga “comfort women” noong nag-aaral pa ako ng Kas1. Marahil ang masasabi kong bago sa akin, at, para sa akin ay siyang pinakamahalagang bahagi ng aming panayam, ay ang mga personal na karanasan pagsubok na pinagdaanan ni Lola Regina bago, habang at matapos ang giyera.

            Hindi naging ganoon kalinaw sa akin ang ibang detalye ng kwento ni Lola Regina dahil na din sa madami kaming mag-aaral ang nakikipanayam sa kanya, at hindi na din naman kaya pa ni Lola na lakasan pa ang kaniyang boses. Gayunpaman, madami akong natutunan sa kaniyang kwento, lalo pa’t sa edad na 78 ay malinaw pa din sa kaniyang isipan ang mga pangyayari sa kaniyang buhay, at handing handa siyang ilahad ang lahat. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, trese-anyos siya noon nang dukutin ng mga Hapon at dalhin sa isang lugar sa Pampanga. Ayon sa kaniya, hindi pa siya dinadatnan noon ng regla, at wala siyang kaalam alam sa mga pinaggagawa sa kaniya ng mga sundalong Hapon. Ang alam lang niya ay “Hayop talaga ang mga Hapon noon, kahit batang Hapon, mga walang puso.” Saksi siya sa pagpaslang ng mga Hapon sa kaniyang mga magulang, kapatid, at iba pang kaanak. Sa murang edad, sa isang iglap, naulila siya, nawalan ng pamilya. Nang dalhin siya sa isang bahay ay sinimulan siyang pagpasapasahan ng mg asundalong Hapon. Ayon sa kaniya, sa silong ng bahay kung saan siya pinagdalhan, habang ginagahasa siya, ay nakikita niya ang iba pang babaeng ginagahasa sa itaas ng bahay. Wala siyang magawa kundi ang umiyak. Araw-araw ay hubo’t hubad siya sa silong. Pagkaalis ng isang grupo ng sundalong gumahasa sa kanila, ay may kapalit na naming isa pang grupo. Ito ng naging buhay niya sa araw-araw hanggang sa maitakas siya ng isang gerilya. Noon ay muli siyang literal na nadamitan. Nagkaroon din siya ng bagong pag-asa. Sa pagsama niya sa mga gerilya at pagiging kasapi ng HULBALAHAP ay natuto siyang lumaban laban sa mga Hapon. Natuto din siyang humawak ng armas bilang sandata. Puno siya ng galit noong mga panahaong iyon. Nang patapos na ang giyera, at unti unti nang umaalis ang mga Hapon sa Pilipinas, unti unti na ding naubos ang mga gerilya. Isang araw nang makakita siya ng isang Hapon ay pinaghahampas niya ito sa sobrang galit. Hindi niya sinabi kuna napatay ba niya ang Hapong iyon ngunit ayon kay Lola ay halos hindi na makatayo ang Hapon sa sobrang pagkabugbog.

            Matapos ang giyera ay sumama siya sa iba pa niyang natirang kamag-anak sa pag-aakalang pag-aaralin siya ng mga ito. Ngunit sa edad na kinse, kung tama ang aking naaalala, ay ipinakasal siya ng kaniyang mga kamag-anak. Hindi natuloy ang sinabing pagpapaaral sa kanya. Ayon nga kay Lola, ni hindi niya alam isulat ang kaniyang pangalan. Bata pa at wala pang alam sa buhay may-asawa si Lola Regina, ngunit gayon pa man, ay pinangatawanan niya ang pagiging isang asawa at ina sa anim na sanggol na naging bunga ng kanilang pagsasama. Ngunit dahil na din sa hindi naman nila mahal ang isa’t isa, ay naghiwalay din sila kinalaunan. Mag-isa niyang itinaguyod ang kaniyang mga anak at buong pagmamalaki niyang sinabi sa aming napagtapos niya ang mga ito. Kitang kita kung gaano ka-proud si Lola habang kinukwento niyang napagtapos niya ng arkitektura ang isa niyang anak.

            Naging matahimik naman ang buhay niy amatapos ang giyera, at pinili na lamang niyang ilihim kahit sa sariling pamilya ang mga pinagdaanan niy anoong panahn ng Hapon. Masakit pa din sa kaniya ang mga naganap at hindi pa niya kayang ilahad ang mga ito. Ngunit isang araw ay hinikayat siya ng isang kaibigan na ilahad ang kaniyang kwento sa telebisyon. Matagal niyang pinag-isipan ito hanggang sa magdesisyong makipanayam kay Mel Tiangco upang ilahad ang kaniyang kwento. Noong panahong iyon lamang din nalaman ng kaniyang pamilya, particular na ng kaniyang mga anak ang kaniyang karanasan. Nakaklungkot dahil bukod sa pagkagulat, ay nagalit din ang ilan sa kaniyang mga anak dahil daw sa ‘ginahasa pala siya ng mga Hapon’. Paliwanag lagi ni Lola, “Hindi ko ginusto iyon. Hindi pa kayo tao noong nangyari yun.” Gayunpaman, hindi naglaon ay iniwan na din siya ng kaniyang mga anak.

            Naging aktibo si Lola Regina sa paglilingkod sa simbahan. Ayon sa kaniya ay malaking tulong ang kanyang paglalahad ng kaniyang kwento, at ang pagsisilbi niya sa simbahan upang unti unting maghilom ang sugat na dala ng digmaan. Hindi naglaon ay tuluyan na niyang napatawad ang mga Hapon. Ayon sa kaniya, habang kinukwento niya nag mga karanasan niya noon, ay wala na siyang kahit anong sakit na nararamdaman, patunay ng kaniyang lubos na pagpapatawad sa mga nanakit at lumapastangan sa kaniya. Hindi daw madali ang proseso, ngunit dahil sa kaniyang pananalig sa Panginoon ay natutunan niyang magpatawad at lumimot.

            Aminado si Lola na noong mga panahong ginagahasa siya ng mga Hapon ay hindi lang minsan niya hiniling na mamatay na lang. ngunit nawalan man siya ng pag-asa, ni minsan ay hindi daw niya sinisi ang Panginoon sa mga nangyari, dahil alam niyang dumating man siya sa puntong nawalan siya ng pag-asa at hirap na hirap na siya ay iniligtas pa rin siya ng Panginoon. Ang kaniyang pananampalataya ang siyang tumulong sa kaniya upang malagpasan ang bawat araw na pinagdaanan niya noong panahon ng Hapon, at magpahanggang ngayon.

            Alam man ni Lola kung nasaan ang kaniyang mga anak, ay wala na din daw silang gaanong komunikasyon. Nakakalungkot isipin na ganito ang naging reaksyon ng kaniyang mga anak. Ngunit marahil nga ay may plano talaga ang Panginoon.

            Nang tanungin naming si Lola Regina kung mayroon pa ba siyang nais hilingin sa Panginoon, ang sabi niya ay wala na. Ngunit dahil makulit kami, pinilit pa din naming siyang humiling. Ang sabi niya, hiling lamang niya ay ang magkaroon pa siya ng malakas na pangangatawan at mabuting kalusugan sa araw-araw upang mkapagsilbi pa sa kaniyang kapwa. Masaya na daw siya sa kaniyang buhay ngayon, at masaya siyang maibahagi ang kaniyang kwento sa mga kabataang tulad namin.

            Sa pagtatapos n gaming panayam, pinayuhan kami ni Lola Regina na pagbutihin an gaming pag-aaral, at huwag na huwag makakalimot sa Panginoon. Sa simula pa lamang ng umaga, pagmulat ng ating mga mata, ay nararapat lamang na magpasalamt tayo sa isa pang araw na ibinigy Niya sa atin.

            Masaya ako na naging bahagi ako ng pagtitipong ito nina lola. Wala akong kinalakihang lola kaya naman tuwang tuwa akong makita si Lola Regina at ang iba pa niyang kaibigan. Nakatutuwang isipin na sa kabila ng lahat lahat ng hirap na kanilang pinagdaanan noon ay heto sila at patuloy na nakakangiti at nagsasaya. 

Display Pala,Ha?

Sometimes, I just don't understand why people have to be so mean to others, or why people have to say things or do things that hurt other people. Err.

BADTRIP! But I just had to laugh at it, and that's what I did.. what we did. Okay fine. I was hurt. No, I was pissed off! This guy was looking for someone who could sign his documents, or something like that, and because our boss was not at the office, he was asking if maybe my boss' assistant could receive the document. Eh, wala nga namang assistant si bossing. At sino nga naman daw ako? At ano nga naman daw ginagawa ko sa opisinang ito? Wala? Display lang? It was a joke,yes,but because it came from him. err, it wasn't a joke for me. O,well, I'll just do my job. Never mind those people who think that way. =p

BLOGGING

I was really not into writing, though I had always wanted to write. I was in elementary when I first tried to write. I got inspired by my sister, who used to write poems, and was always part of the school paper. I was into feature writing. Well, at least, I tried. Until high school, I would always join the School Press Conference, thinking that I might have the potential in writing. But I never won. I won several times in copyreading, not in feature writing, or even news writing. Then I thought, maybe I really didn't have the talent. I just forgot about it.

Then came blogging. The term has become soooooo memorable to me. I was in first year college when I first heard of the word "blogging". It was during my midterm exam in PanPil 17 (Panitikan ng Pilipinas at Kuturang Popular). The question was simple: Bakit popular ang blogging? Wapak! I didn't even know what blogging was. I got a grade of 5 in that exam. Sad.

I tried to discover what blogging really was. And tried to find the answer to that question. Bakit nga ba siya kulturang popular? Blogs on Friendster became a trend. I would always read blogs of my friends, or even those I didn't know. I loved reading their writings, absorbing their thoughts, feeling what they were feeling - sadness, anger, stress, happiness. I appreciated their writings, getting envy of those who wrote well, really well. I stopped reading their blogs when I started to become busy of some personal matters. It had been years. And now, there are so many blogging sites you can choose from. Friendster is not the trend anymore. Nor is it Multiply. Social networking sites have become more and more popular. Blogging has even become a source of income. Then i started to read blogs again. I started to follow my friend, Robert Go's blogs. I love reading his entries. He is well-opinionated. He always has something to say, regarding what is happening around, whether it be a small or a big issue. Joicee's blog on the other hand, is something more personal. It's not about what's happening around, but what's happening to her. She writes about her feelings, on matters close to her heart. Now I'm reading Ms.Superbianca's blog, learning more about her. Like Joicee, she also writes about how she feels about people, about her life, about the people dear to her. These three blogs are actually the same - talking about something close to their hearts. Robert might be writing about his opinions on current issues in our country, Joice and Ms. Bianca might be talking about their family,friends,and selves. But the three of them are all talking about the same thing -- whatever they feel inside.

Now I think I've got the answer to that question which made me fail my first major exam in UP. Blogging is popular, simply because it talks about life. It talks about one's life, but touches other people's lives. It talks about stress, sadness, mourning, grief, joy, bliss, happiness. It talks about failure and success. It talks about what's happening in the world, in the country, in a community, in an individual. It talks about us.

So here I am, trying to write again. It's been months since I started to have my own blog (http://cha9876.wordpress.com/) it may not be as public as others'. It may not be as often read as others'. But it contains myself, and whatever's inside me. And with that, I will continue writing. =)

2011

While everybody else is sleeping, here I am in front of this laptop, reading all the greetings of people (thanks to facebook for reminding them and letting them know that it's my birthday. ^^).

For my 22nd year in this world, these are the ten things (in no particular order) I want to, and I will do:

1. learn how to drive
2. learn how to play the guitar
3. write more
4. read more
5. manage my time
6. be more patient
7. control my emotions
8. manage my feelings for him
9. be more responsible
10.take up my Master's degree

... if there would be an 11th, I think it would be.. FIND A BOYFRIEND! Nyahaha! Good luck!

Hope this year would be a better year! A year full of hope, happiness, and love! =)

Fate

"I don't want to entertain my feelings for you. But it's just so difficult to do."

All the questions I have been asking myself, and I have been wanting to ask him. All the doubts I have, all the worries, all the pain and sadness. These lines started the end of it. Finally....

Finally I had the courage to tell him everything I wanted to say. Finally, I was able to release all the pains I had been keeping for so long. It was still painful,indeed. In fact, it was more painful than I though it would be.

Our story is simply complicated.. Family matters, trust issues, status (me as a teacher,and he as my student). It's been a year when we first met. He was just one of my students then. Just one of my students. Nothing special. He was not even part of my class at first. He was enrolled in my class but because he was an irregular student, he attended classes that fit his schedule. He attended another class of the same subject so I asked him to have his name transfered in that class. But instead, he chose to attend my class. Okay,no big deal.

He was a good student. He seldom made absences. He often participated in discussions. He was good in English, I must say better than most of his classmates. He was smart. Okay. Still, no big deal.

Before the semester ended, we became friends. Started exchanging text messages. Got to know each other better. He was different compared to those guys who had tried to be my friend. He never asked about my love life, never asked about me having no boyfriend, never asked anything about romantic relationships. That was good. And I liked it.  He was different. He was sweet. He was platonic. And I liked it.

Then months went by. I received messages from him everyday, checking if I was okay. Asking what I was doing. Sharing stories. Listening to my stories. Got to know each other more and more. And I liked it.

December. We attended around three midnight masses together. Spent time with God together. He was religious. He had a strong faith. And I liked it.

January. My birthday. His birthday. We were happy. He broke up with his girl. The first time I learned that he had one. I never knew, he never told me, I never asked. Okay,they broke up. No big deal. We continued exchanging messages. Sending and receiving sweet messages.Listening to each other's stories of happiness, depression, fears, angers, sadness, confusions. Comforting each other. Sharing happy moments. I liked it. I started to like him.

February. My friend's father's death. One of my crying moments. Tito was like a father to me. I grieved. I cried. I mourned. He offered his shoulders to cry on. I cried on his shoulders. He comforted me with happy thoughts, encouraging messages, jokes, happy stories, stories of hope, and a hug. A tight hug. And another hug. It felt good. I liked him more.

It was the first time he told me he loved me. It felt good. I felt loved. I thought that was it. He loved me. And I thought I loved him,too.

I continuoulsy received messages of love from him. He continuous;y showed me and made me feel he loved me. It felt good. I loved him,too.

But we just couldn't be together. He was my student. Society says it's forbidden. We didn't care at first. But we thought, we should care. So,we couldn't be together,formally. So he had to finish his studies first. We had plans of taking our Master's degree together. We had plans, he would graduate first, then we could be together. And no matter what happens, our sweet friendship would always be there. I thought.

Summer came. Messages from him became seldom. He was busy, I thought. Okay. It was a big deal. But I had to feel okay. Focus on my work. Teach. Forget about the doubts.

June. My friend told me that he was courting someone else. I was hurt,badly. Okay. It was a big deal. but I had to feel okay. Focus on my work. Teach. Forget about the pain. Forget about him.

August. I started receiving sweet messages from him again. And an " I love you" which,this time,didn't make me feel giddy. Instead, it made me think. And ask, "do you really love me?" Of course it was a yes. He said the feelings didn't fade. Though,yes,he had another girl. Okay. Tried not to make it a big deal. Focus on my new work. Teach. Manage an office. Forget about the questions.

I became busy wih my new job. So busy that I didn't have time to think about the doubts, about the pain, about the questions, about him. Still, he sent me sweet messages. Messages of love. We still shared stories. Not as often as before, but we still did. Yet, I decided to forget him,and everything we had. It was difficult. I didn't like it.

November. After several weeks of working on the faculty loading, one new subject was handed down to me. New subject, old faces. He was one of those. Old face. A face I wanted to get rid of. A face I wanted to stay away from. A face I wanted to forget. But there we were. Three times a week. I had no choice but to see him three times a week. He was again my student. I didn't like it. Or maybe, I did.

December. One sweet message and I took the guts to ask. "Should I still believe in what you say?". The answer, "Why not?". "Nothing, I just have so many thoughts. I want to tell you personally." "Okay,tell me when." The end of my courage. I hated it.

Few days after Christmas. A little greetings started it. And came to the question, "What's wrong? Just tell me straight. Don't keep it."

"I don't want to entertain my feelings for you. But it's just so difficult to do. Coz I don't know if I can still trust you. And I don't know if it's still worth it."

I explained. My mom and his lolo and tita had an issue. My mom was hurt. She was hurt badly. I was hurt,too. I understand his Tita. But even if I don't want to have any biases, the fact that it's about my mom, I already have a bias. I understand his Tita, but I understand my Mom, too. She was hurt. She was hurt badly. I was hurt,too. Family issues. Issues that even if we were not directly involved, "Malas lang namin". We were so unfortunate that we couldn't stay away from the issue. Sad. I hated it.

Another explanation. I had doubts about his love. He was not consistent. I let him know how I had been feeling. All the doubts, all the questions, all the pains. I let him know.

He just apologized, admitting his mistakes, telling me he was sorry, he was stupid. Apology accepted. But we just couldn't stay away from our family issues. My mom didn't like him simply because he's part of the family who belittled her, degraded her, caused her pain. He apologized, apology accepted. But it cannot change the fact that my mom still, if possible, doesn't want to get involved in any way to their family. It was sad. It was painful.

We decided to forget about our feelings. I love him, he knows that. But it's just complicated. We can still be friends, though. I'm still his teacher. We will still see each other three times a week. We can still share stories. We can still give comfort to each other. We can still be friends. But it is difficult. it's painful. But we have to.

January. My birthday. He greeted me with love. And that, I think, would be the last. For now.

"We're still young. Who knows, in the future, when everything's okay, we can be together."

It made me smile.

For now, come what may. It's still painful. It's still difficult. But I can handle it. ^_^